It’s really easy for us humans to lie. We often do it without even realizing that we’re doing it. And the truth is that most of us are guilty of it at some point in our lives. But where did we learn to lie and how do we stop it? In this chat with Moneeka I give my thoughts on:
- Why speaking the truth is so hard
- Where we learned to lie
- Why truth can be so “profitable”
To learn more about Moneeka Sawyer of Real Estate Investing for Women, and to listen to the full episode, go to https://blissfulinvestor.com/podcast/
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– TRANSCRIPT –
[00:00:00] Moneeka Sawyer: Okay, so you talk so much about truth. What do you think is so hard for people to talk about that naturally? And why do you think it’s important?
[00:00:09] David Wood: As a kid, I know I wasn’t always rewarded for telling the truth, you know, you get to get in trouble and, and there’s a definite hierarchy in most parental situations where the parent has all the power.
[00:00:22] David Wood: So. I learned. And I think a lot of people learn how to tell lies. And I heard a developmental experts say, don’t get upset when your kid tells a lie, that’s an important part of their evolution that they actually learned to fabricate something. And I was like, wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way. So, you know, and that was just my life.
[00:00:44] David Wood: Now, my parents. And I haven’t spoken about this on a podcast. My parents are good people with integrity, so it’s not like they lie. It’s not like they go out of their way to, you know, to rip someone off. In fact, I just found out yesterday, my mother was selling their caravan and my mother’s 78, my dad’s 83 or something.
[00:01:06] David Wood: They’re selling the caravan, which is a big deal. ’cause I guess they’re no longer going to go caravaning so I’m not sure how I feel about that. But she said, this guy drove from Sydney in the rain two hours to check out the caravan. He’s deaf, can’t speak it’s new it’s sign language and whatever. And he said he sent the money via his.
[00:01:29] David Wood: Well, the money hadn’t arrived. And my mother said she didn’t have the heart to send him back to Sydney and have him do another drive to come and get the caravan when the money arrives. So she let him take the caravan. She’s like, I’m just gonna trust him that the money is going to come $8,000. Wow. So I really have a lot of respect for my parents.
[00:01:54] David Wood: Integrity. You see if my mother could ever, you know, steal money from someone else, she, then she wouldn’t trust this guy, but she couldn’t even imagine that someone could not follow through with the money. So they have that. And yet a lot was. As I grew up, like maybe you just don’t say something cause it’s going to be awkward.
[00:02:15] David Wood: Or you don’t say that because it is going to get you in trouble or you tell a white lie. Like that’s, that’s very common. Fortunately for me, I discovered personal growth and I had some really good coaches who were showing me another way of being. So they showed me what it’s like to have pristine integrity and to have those tough conversations.
[00:02:41] David Wood: I had to make a list of all the people that I had, anything less than full love for. So people, I resented people, I hated feed people. I felt guilty about how I treated them right throughout my entire life. And then they’re like, okay, now go and go and call those people. And complete. I said, no, you’re kidding.
[00:03:04] David Wood: I’m not going to call that bully from high school and tell him I’ve hated him for 20 years and I’m letting it go. I’m not going to call that girl who dumped me twice and gave me the cold shoulder. I’m not going to call that boss who I sued and see if we’re, if we’re good now. And they helped me dive into like, why I didn’t want to do it and all the fees I had around it.
[00:03:26] David Wood: And then they showed me. To go and do it. And I tell you what Monica, those calls were incredible. I was terrified, but when I actually got on the phone with these human beings and spoke my truth and was connected with an it slightly open heart, wow. These people surprise me over and over and over again, the bully said, what can I do now to help you or us move from.
[00:03:59] David Wood: The girl who dumped me twice. I said, I don’t need an apology. You don’t have to do anything. Just listen. She said, I’m so sorry. I was young and stupid. And I’m really sorry for how I treated you. I’m in tears. The boss that I sued, I said, yeah, I just want to check if we’re good. Is there anything I can do?
[00:04:19] David Wood: He said, well, at the time, I’m sure I didn’t enjoy it, but that’s water under the bridge. And then we got talking about his life. We never had a personal conversation. Now he’s sharing about his divorce and what it was like going through that. So I’m an advocate and evangelist for truth, not all the time.
[00:04:41] David Wood: And I’m happy to get into that, but nine out of 10 times, if you’re willing to model courage and to take a risk and reach out and connect and share your truth with another human nine times out of 10, I’ve found, you’ll be happy that you did it.
[00:05:00] Moneeka Sawyer: So so I’ve done an interesting thing, pretty similar to what you just talked about. But I didn’t actually have the conversations with the people. Some of it is just because I don’t have access to them, but for me, I did it a lot for my own closure. And I think what happened for me also is that moving forward, I have, I make sure that I don’t miss the opportunity for truth or for honesty.
[00:05:24] Moneeka Sawyer: So. Maybe I don’t go back, although I can see how incredibly healing that would be, you know, to just get that all out. But it also sets the ground for, at work for what we do in the future. And really the past doesn’t determine who we are, you know, who we’re going to become. It’s who we decide to be today that decides who we’re going to become.
[00:05:43] Moneeka Sawyer: Right. And so doing that exercise even internally. To make the decision to not miss opportunities for truth, I think is an ask also a possible good benefit. What do you think it showed up really well in my life.
[00:05:57] David Wood: You asked the question again.
[00:05:59] Moneeka Sawyer: Okay. Yeah, basically. So I have never recommended to go back to those people, but I did the exercise for myself so that in the future I would, I would remain open and to capture any opportunities for truth.
[00:06:15] Moneeka Sawyer: And do you feel like that’s valuable or do you really recommend people go deep and talk to all of the people?
[00:06:22] David Wood: Yeah.
[00:06:26] David Wood: Some people say like, should you say anything? Like, let’s take a current situation. Some people say, well, should you say anything should unite. I know a guy who had a, the three, three times rule. If it comes up in your brain three times, it’s time to say something about it. Now, your question’s a good one.
[00:06:44] David Wood: What if it’s something from the past? Well, look. If it depends how committed you are to growth and self-expression and emotional freedom. If it’s, if it’s a minor thing and you haven’t thought about it in 20 years, all right. Maybe you don’t care, but if it’s something you have thought about more often than that, it might be something unresolved for you.
[00:07:07] David Wood: Now I do believe it’s possible to get some healing and some completion by writing a letter and you don’t even have to mail it. You can mail it to yourself. Is this particularly important if someone’s died and you cannot speak to them physically, you can have a, a role-play conversation with them, with your coach, or you can write a letter big fan of that.
[00:07:28] David Wood: In fact, I had someone in prison and I was coaching them on reconciling with their mother and they were so scared to have the relationship I said, right. A little. And then it’s up to you. If you want to mail it, you might not get the result you want, but it’s up to you. If you want to take that extra risk.
[00:07:46] David Wood: Now, I having gone through this myself and had those scary conversations with people from my past, I am a massive fan for. It takes courage. So you get to exercise that muscle of courage and it allows you to actually, you don’t know what impact that conversation is going to have on the other person. So they could, I had, my brother did went and did this with an ex partner and he wasn’t going to call her.
[00:08:19] David Wood: He’s like, oh, it’s weird. I, you know, I’ve moved on, she’s moved on. And his coach said, you’d be surprised. Just have the call. And so he did, and he said, look, I want you to know it wasn’t you. It was, it was me. You are wonderful. I just didn’t want to be in relationship. At that time, she broke down crying.
[00:08:42] David Wood: She’d been carrying that around for years, thinking there was something wrong with her. And he said to me, and this was a guy who had no money at the time. He said that conversation was worth $10,000 to me. The difference I made in her life. So I’m a big fan of doing it. Now. There’s a way to do it well, and there’s a way to do it badly.
[00:09:04] David Wood: If you go in with you wronged me, I’m a victim and I need you to apologize. Look that might work, but you’re setting yourself up for a tough time. If you can get to a space where. You don’t actually need anything from the other person other than listening, it’s going to go better. I actually have a model for this.
[00:09:26] David Wood: It’s called the care model, C a R E. And I’m happy to give it away to listeners it, particularly if you remind me at the end, when we give away the URL, I’ll tell them how to find that. It’s a, it’s a wonderful download. It’ll give you clarity. So you don’t even have to decide if you’re going to have the conversation with a person, just fill in the worksheet, get their clarity.
[00:09:49] David Wood: After that you’ll know if you want to go and have it with them, and it’ll give you a wonderful paint by number system to have the conversation.
[00:09:57] Moneeka Sawyer: Nice. This conversation could go so much deeper than we’ve got time for us. So I wish we had more time, but I think that there’s also the whole conversation of abuse and stuff like that.
[00:10:09] Moneeka Sawyer: Like, do you go back to people that have done that? So but I think the care model might help work through whether it’s a good idea or not. Right in that circumstance.
[00:10:17] David Wood: Oh, it’s wonderful. Because initially you’ve just got this feeling. Like I don’t like that person. I wouldn’t like to see them on the street.
[00:10:25] David Wood: I’m annoyed at that person that person’s just a jerk and that’s all you’ve got. When you do the worksheet in the cam model, you will get clear on what your intention is. Like. What’s a positive intention. If you were going to have the conversation and what are your friends. That’s good information. Oh my frayed.
[00:10:45] David Wood: They’re going to think I’m an idiot. I’m afraid it’s gonna make things worse. I’m afraid it’s going to be, I’ll feel awkward. Just get clear. The clarity is wonderful. And then there’s a checkbox. I’m like, I’ll ask you what could go wrong. And then there’s a checkbox. I am willing to accept these consequences.
[00:11:04] David Wood: And if you’re willing to check that box. Okay, you’re good. If you’re not willing to check the box, for example, the conversation I’ve had a conversation where I confessed to a crime. I called someone. I said it was me. I was, you know, when I was a, a teenager, I did this thing. I’m very sorry. How can I make it right.
[00:11:24] David Wood: I could have gone to jail. You may not be willing to accept that consequence. And I respect that. Or I confess when I was 18. I did one of the worst things in my life. I cheated on my partner and I felt so bad about it. And I so if I was filling in the worksheet, what could go wrong? She’ll break up with me and never go back with me again.
[00:11:49] David Wood: I checked the box. I’m willing to accept that consequence because my intention is to have a relationship full of integrity and trust. And so I’m going to risk everything to have. And so I did, I went and had that conversation. She did break up with me. I had to earn her trust back and we ended up getting married.
[00:12:10] David Wood: And while we’re no longer married, I just went and stayed a couple of years ago with her and her new husband and her six year old boy who calls me uncle David. So, again, I’m a big fan for telling the truth. I’m a big fan for not cheating in the first place, but if you have been dumb enough to go and make a mistake like that, I personally am a fan for making it right.
[00:12:33] David Wood: And risking the relationship. But you may choose not to. You’re like, no, I’m not willing to risk that. So that’s not a conversation you would have unless I’m your coach. If I’m your coach. You’re going to be hard pressed to get away with, with not making things like that. Right. Because I know what’s available.
One Person has left comments on this post
Hi David
thanks for your open sharing and for your example of showing up fully. I definitely double what you said. I do belief, that the truth is setting me free. The more I am open to face my lies, even twenty years back and to clean them out by humbly confessing my twisted functioning, the more life energy is flowing through me. I am accepting the person that I am with all my flaws and demonstrate my willingness to become more real, trustworthy, loving…
Blessings to you dear
Always
Leo