When you name your feelings with others, it shows respect. But you can take it one step further by checking the impact it has on the other person. This is a game-changing skill that spurs greater trust. In this interview, I give tips for checking out the impact!
I explain:
- How you can quickly embed trust, rapport and respect.
- What you can do to check the impact you’re having by naming the mice.
Check out Name That Mouse! Our Kickstarter Campaign launches on June 15th 2021, and we’d love your support! Visit NameThatMouse.com
To find out more about Peter Winick and view the full episode, go to https://thoughtleadershipleverage.com/thought-leadership-podcasts/
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– TRANSCRIPT –
David Wood: [00:00:00] That’s my plan for the book. Someone in the corporate setting might take it home to their partner and their kids. And someone at home who’s reading it might be like, Hey, maybe we should get our team reading this so that we can have more transparency and start naming mice with each other.
We all know about the elephant in the room. Right? You see it. I see it. No one’s saying anything. But many creatures in the room are much more subtle. Maybe I suspect you see it, or I’m wondering if you’re annoyed at me about what I did last week, or maybe I was two minutes late to this call and I named it. I named it and I apologized. But if I didn’t, that would be a mouse that’s running around the room for me.
And I’m wondering, is Peter annoyed at me? Should we talk about it? Should we not? Let’s stop all the second guessing and all the crap that happens inside and just start naming these things . One of the things I think stops us from naming mice is we think that it’s gotta be a big thing or someone’s gonna have to fix it or deal with it.
Now, what if… Here’s some new language that people have started sharing with me and I want to spread it throughout the world. I just want to name it.
Peter Winick: [00:01:09] So I love what you did there because giving people a common language, methodology and framework is the first step, right? So. If we had gone, you and I were both fluent in what naming mices.
And you made me fluent pretty quickly, right. Then we can say, Hey you know, whatever it was, I told you, I was going to email you that report at two o’clock, and I got it to you at two thirty. In that email, I might say, I just want to call it the mice. I acknowledge I’m 30 minutes late. Hopefully it doesn’t screw you up.
And you might say actually, yeah, it kind of did because I was going to do dut dut dut or you might have said no, no worries, mate. You know, I wasn’t going to get to this till four o’clock, but thank you. But it shows an acknowledgement of a slip and a respect in a way that’s not saying, oh, I screwed up.
Or, you know, it’s like naming mice, that’s sort of neutral. It’s like always mice.
David Wood: [00:01:54] So you’ve raised, I think there are two very important points here. And I want to distinguish them. The first is the idea that we could just name it. I just want to name that. Hey, this is a first date and I noticed I’m feeling a little nervous.
I noticed I want this is to go well. You don’t have to do anything with that. I just wanted to name it so I can move on and let go. Right. That in itself can be incredibly powerful when I’ve named something. You can act, it has less power over me. But the second thing that you raised is we’ll call it the next level.
Once you’ve named it. You could, your example was, Hey, I noticed I was late on that report, I said I get to you by five o’clock. I didn’t. I want to apologize. Right? That’s naming it. And you’re apologizing. But you could go further, you could explore impact, you could check for impact. How is that for you?
I just want to check, did it throw you out? Did it not? I want to know that was just a few day or your evening or whatever. And we, this book trailer that we’ve already created, we, I don’t think we go into that. So listeners, you’re getting an extra step. That’ll come out in the full book. And that is, how is that for you?
Like, Hey, I noticed I did that, or I said that, or I’ve just shared something.
Peter Winick: [00:03:11] Some of what’s interesting in that is you might be thinking, oh geez, he’s really going to be upset because I got them that email half an hour after that. Oh my God. And I know, you know, oh man, whatever. Anyway, I’d be like, oh, actually, you know, I was out of the office until the end of the day.
I went for a bike ride and I know we said two thirty but it wasn’t going to fit. So it’s a, it’s a non thing, but you actually sort of gain some level of respect and trust by at least, even though it was late and didn’t have an impact, it doesn’t mean it resolves you of the issue of owning the latest.
David Wood: [00:03:42] Yes. This skill. And I invite listeners, if you want to play with this, just go and start practicing it. Whenever you wonder if there’s impact or how it is for someone just check in. Hey, I just want to know how is that for you? And I want to model it now because I didn’t do it at the beginning of this call before we hit record.
So I just, I know I was late for this call and I do want to check for impact. Was that frustrating? Was it annoying? Was it no big deal?
Peter Winick: [00:04:06] I just blamed it on technology and figured it out like, oh, here we go again with the, you know, the tech issues, but yeah. Okay. Interesting. And the other piece I wanted to talk about relative to naming the mouse, it’s a classic example of, that could be in the boardroom, right?
That could be on a sales call. That could be a manager to their direct report. It could be over the kitchen table. There’s litmus test that I’m always looking at because I’m in the same. Oh, could I, you know, like you meant, could you use it on a date, right. Hey, I’m usually not this awkward, I’m feeling goofy tonight.
When I’m nervous, and whatever it is, you can at least sit around. You know, I, I normally don’t put my, you know, fork in the in the coffee or whatever. Right. You just put it out there.
David Wood: [00:04:44] Which brings us to some of the benefits of this. Let’s suppose you’re on a date and you notice your brain says, ah, wow, I’m clumsy, right?
Your brain says that inside. And then the brain might go, wow. I’m pretty nervous. And you might, and then you might notice, oh, I want this to go well. Now you have an opportunity. Now that you’ve revealed your own experience to yourself, which doesn’t often happen because the mind can bury all these things, but once you’ve noticed it, you have the opportunity to name it.
I just want to name just as you did it so beautifully, Peter, and then what that allows. Firstly, I might relax. Once I’ve named it, I’m probably going to be more chill. I do this on stage in front of audiences. Okay. I’m feeling a bit nervous and I’m excited and I’m going to take a deep breath. You’re welcome to join me.
That gets me more connected and present in my own skin. But the other thing is, if my date was noticing that I’m pretty clumsy and she’s like, what’s going on with this guy. If it’s now named, my date can go, oh, I totally get it. All right. You’re a bit nervous. You know what? I’m a little nervous too, and now we can relate and connect.
Peter Winick: [00:05:58] It brings you closer, not further apart, the awkwardness. Well I’m feeling, and she might be manifesting the awkwardness in a different way. Maybe she’s a little bit more reserved and he’s a little, you know, because then we can talk about when we’re nervous, how do we each respond? And that’s a conversation that’s authentic.
That’s transparent. That’s vulnerable, right?
David Wood: [00:06:13] Exactly. So the withholding, the mice, not naming them, keeps us distant. Oh, I hope she doesn’t work out how nervous I am. But naming of it can actually bring us closer together. And I would suggest, I don’t have hard data on this, but I would suggest nine times out of 10, maybe eight, you’re gonna feel closer to the other person. They’re going to feel closer to you or both. Now, if that doesn’t happen and sometimes it won’t happen. I might share it, name a mouse with you that I’m annoyed by something you did last week. I’ve got a friend who cancels a lot when we’ve got plans cause she’s got health issues. Now it might name a mouse with her. If she might have a reaction, she might get defensive. She might feel upset. I say, Hey, do it as kindly as you can. And if they do have a reaction, they do get upset, stick with them, stick with them while they have it. Explore the impact.
What’s that like for you. Or that sounds really frustrating. You know, practice some empathy and then usually they’ll get over it. And if not quickly, Hey, I’ve had people take a couple of months to get over something that I’ve named. Sure. But if they do get over it and they come back now we’re closer and the friendship is stronger. If they don’t and I’ve just blown their circuits, then maybe we weren’t supposed to be connected anyway.
Peter Winick: [00:07:32] Yeah. And it’s not, the intent is not to use the mouse as a weapon, right? It’s to just name it, period. Not to beat you in the head with it.
David Wood: [00:07:40] No, no, look, you can do that. And when we’re hurting, it’s also called what we do when we’re hurting. So, and if we don’t have the skill. So you may do that accidentally and then you get to go and repair it.
Hey, I noticed I wasn’t. Oh, can I name a mouse with you? When I named that last mouse, I think I did a bad job. I’d like to try it again. I want to do over.
